Regarding Your Parents

The Journey with Aging Parent Series - PART II Preparing for the Discussion with Your Aging Parents

You might not be caring for an elderly parent now, but the odds are someday you will be.  "If you're 65 today, you have a two-thirds chance that you will need help with at least one daily activity such as bathing or eating by the time you die,'' says Elinor Ginzler, senior vice president of Livable Communities Strategies for AARP (www.aarp.org). "Chances are we will all be part of the care giving process at some point.''  According to the National Alliance for Caregivers, more than 65 million of us are currently taking care of a sick or aging loved one.

 Planning to start having discussions on aging with your parents is a sure sign that the parent/child relationship is changing and the roles are beginning to reverse. This is a difficult transition to accept but is also inevitable. Just like the “Birds and Bees” talk was difficult having, so is the “Aging Parents” talk, but is so important to have.

 It can’t be reiterated enough how important it is to start having these talks before a crisis arises. If you talk with your parents before a crisis occurs, you can prepare yourself, family members, as well as your parents for their future aging needs. Every family is different.  Some parents will welcome the opportunity to discuss their plans for their future and others will feel uncomfortable discussing any or certain topics with their children. An excellent book on the subject is: The Complete Eldercare Planner, by Joy Loverde. There are also several websites out there that can help with planning; National Council on Caregiving , National Council on Aging, and CAPS Children of Aging Parents  just to name a few.

 First and foremost, understand that this is a learning process for all involved. Don’t expect to cover everything in one meeting.  Baby steps – you don’t want to overwhelm your parents.  If you try discussing too much at once they’ll shut you out and then nothing will be accomplished.

 Prepare for the talk, practice what you might say beforehand and try to predict how they may react.  Categorize the issues/subjects that you would like to address with them (i.e., housing, personal living, medical, financial, legal etc…). Write down each topic and what you would like to discuss.  

 Points to consider:

 Break It Down - Breaking it down into different issues will make it easier for everyone to understand and deal with.  Pick one or two topics and set a time up to discuss them.

 Choose the best setting - Choose a time to talk that is good for everyone. Limit any distractions, you want their complete attention. Limit the amount of people present; you don’t want your parents to feel ganged up on.

 Be Realistic – We all think we can do it all, but unfortunately we can’t. We have busy lives between our jobs, families and activities, and can’t be everywhere and do everything. Accept what you can and cannot do and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

 Phrase Questions Carefully – Don’t just come out and ask blunt questions. If you are interested to see if they have made any plans for their future, you might say that you just came from making a retirement plan for yourself and was wondering if they had made any such plans.  If you want to find out if they have a will you might start off by mentioning, you just did yours and ask have they done theirs?  Diplomacy can go a long way.

 Stick to the Topics at Hand – Often times other issues may come up and will side track you.  Stick to what you came to talk about and if something else comes up agree to discuss it at another time.  Make a note of those issues so that you can prepare to talk about them at a later date.

 Be Sensitive and Show Respect – Carefrontation works a lot better than confrontation. Don’t interrogate, listen before responding in a caring loving way. Silence can be quite an effective tool in communicating.

 Consider Outside Help – You may want to discuss how to go about this discussion with a professional such as; therapist, social worker, doctor or your local Council on Aging.

 Understand that this is a journey for both you and your aging parents. It will be an ongoing process with many different discussions as you travel along this road together.  There is not one right way to do this.  Every family and situation is different, but by starting the conversation you will begin the journey.

 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today”  -  Thomas Jefferson

The Journey with Aging Parents Part I – Initiating “The Conversation”

 It can be hard to accept that our parents are getting older. We have tremendous cultural resistance to the recognition of aging, disability and even death.   At some point in our lives, our parents will possibly look to us for guidance and help with their aging issues.  Our parents took care of us and we looked up to them for assistance growing up.  Now as our parent’s age, we must come to the realization that as time goes on our roles will become reversed.     It would be in everyone’s best interest to be prepared and ready for that day.  You may meet the greatest resistance starting “the conversation” with your parents. 

Finding out how mentally, physically, financially or legally prepared your parents are for the future is a tough conversation to begin.   We don’t want to upset the applecart, we worry about possibly “crossing the line” in getting into their personal business.    It’s as if there is a gorilla in the room, you know it’s there but not sure how to bring up the subject.   Sometimes you just don’t know where to start. 

Why is this you might ask?   Conversation defined by Webster is an informal or familiar talk between at least two people.  And yes, you’d like the discussion to be informal, but at times it must be very formal and seriously acted upon.  It cannot and should not be taken lightly.  Most importantly, before you have the conversation you need to look at it from both points of view.

 Your parents don’t want to be a burden on you.   They have been in control their entire lives and now that control may be slipping away.  They may be resistant to the loss of control.  Change in general, can be difficult.  Human nature is sometimes resistant to any form of change, let alone a lifestyle change.   Children of aging parents may find the conversation upsetting and just don’t know where to begin.   In the back of your mind, you know you will eventually need to address it, but you plan to deal with it when the time comes. 

 Often time the family dynamic plays an important role in how and when you address the conversation.  Depending on the size of the family in terms of number of children, marital status, and where your parents live all play a huge part in the overall situation.   Each family’s situation is different, there are no rules in making the conversation happen. 

Whether you’re an only child or have siblings, I suggest first having a family meeting before talking with your parents.  If you’re alone, seek counsel from a close friend, clergy, or a professional.    It lessens the burden and stress of going it alone.   I can say from my own past experience, having family meetings beforehand has brought me and my siblings closer.   Yes, they’ll be a few bumps in the road, but in the end the outcome will be a positive learning experience for all involved.

The types of conversations i.e. financial, legal issues, or medical and safety can happen at different times and in no particular order, each situation is different.  The sooner you start the process, the better prepared you and your family will be.   RegardingYourParents.com can help with this process in providing you with resources, and information relating to eldercare and your community.  Don’t wait until a crisis occurs before researching your options. You cannot make intelligent and informed decisions under stress.  Address the issues early on when you can talk about them in a loving and caring environment.  

 It’s a funny thing how phrases sum up our lives sometimes, here once again a few come to mind.  “History repeats itself”, someone takes care of you at birth and then at old age.   “What goes around comes around”, you were once a child now you must act as the parent/adult.    Remember we are all in the journey together.   Get the conversation started today. 

Stay tuned for part II, Having the Conversation.

A lesson in Guardianship

 I wish to share a personal story involving a dear Uncle and providing for his well being.  Uncle Harry, at 78 was a single man never married no children just many nieces and nephews.  Uncle Harry lived alone in senior housing here on the South Shore.  He began to fail so my siblings and I decided to go forward and attain Guardianship, so that we could take care of him and his property.  I was unaware of the steps involved in attaining Guardianship of someone.  Let me highlight the process for you.

It takes an attorney and a willing individual(s) to establish Guardianship for an individual.  You must prove to the court that the individual in question is unable to care for themselves. The individual needs to be examined by a doctor and those results must be submitted to the court.  In Uncle Harry’s case, his doctor declared him unable to care for himself.   Depending on the size of the person’s estate the court may order that the person in questions property be appraised and that you file an inventory of all properties with the court.  In my uncle’s case his estate was limited; he did not own any real estate, just a car, and a life insurance policy.  Even though he didn’t own much I still had to provide an inventory listing his property and money accounts for the court hearing.   This took time to put together.

Next, a date and time are set for a hearing of Guardianship.  You appear in court with your attorney and present your case.    The judge decides whether or not he/she will appoint a Guardian to care for the person and property in question.  Fortunately the judge granted me guardianship for my uncle on the first hearing.  

 All this takes arranging and is time consuming, not to mention the embarrassment of having to go through someone else’s personal possessions and records.  Many legal fees are incurred, court filing fees within the county that the individual resides, legal notices published and waited to be acted upon, competency exam fees, and possibly Guardian and Accountant fees.   

Once you are appointed as Guardian, a whole new set of issues presents themselves.  As Guardian you must account for all monies spent.  Upon death, the guardian must file a final account of the estate, which surprise; surprise will once again cost filing fees.  This is a job in and of itself, and could require an accountant.   Money is a sensitive issue and must be dealt with complete transparency.

Before you agree to be a Guardian you should think long and hard.  Don’t let your feelings get in the way of making the best decision for yourself and your loved one.  Being a Guardian takes a great deal of time, patience, resources and unfortunately money.   

For further information consult the Massachusetts Probate Court website.

 

Beneficiary Review – Have you checked yours lately?

Februarys’ the time of year I start to think ahead in budgetary terms and begin gathering statements to file last year’s taxes.  The holidays are over; winter has set in so the timing is right.  An incentive to start this process is the prospect of my tax return being in the positive and receiving a check from Uncle Sam.

As part of this procedure don’t forget to review and update your designated beneficiaries on any financial documents such as insurance policies, mutual funds, IRA’s, CD’s and alike.  We often forget to review them and it is quite important for many reasons.  Your relationships change over time as well as those of your children and major life events such as marriages, births, and death of loved ones could influence your choice of beneficiaries.   In addition to beneficiary names, be sure their addresses are listed and up-to-date.

 Each year billions of dollars go unclaimed because beneficiaries cannot be located.  Upon your passing you want your loved ones to be taken care of.  The insurance and financial institutions only look for so long to pay out claims.   It’s in your best interest to check the details.  Each of us work too hard in our lifetimes building our wealth; to not pay attention to this small detail would be a shame. 

“It’s the little details that are vital.  Little things make big things happen” by John Wooden