Regarding Your Parents

Benefits for Veterans

Often times the elderly and their families need assistance with care and they forget that the VA can be an important resource to them. If you have an elderly loved one or are elderly yourself and are a veteran check out your Veterans Benefits (http://www.va.gov/opa/publications/benefits_book.asp). You may not have needed veteran’s benefits when you were younger, but as we all know things change as we age. The VA offers many benefits for our veterans such as;

• medical care
• medication assistance
• medical equipment
• insurance
• home modifications help
• medical alert bracelets
• education

The above list is just a few of the benefits that you can get assistance with through the VA. If
you want more information on Veterans Benefits go to http://www.vba.va.gov/VBA, it is chalked full of beneficial information.

In order to receive any Veteran's benefits you must register with U.S. Veterans Affairs. You can register at; http://www.va.gov or call 1-800-827-1000.

Poor Eyesight Leads to an Eye-Opening Experience

My elderly uncle has glaucoma; it has ruined the sight in one eye and was giving his other eye some problems. Since he was having problems seeing he knew he shouldn’t be driving so, he asked me to take him for his eye appointment with the ophthalmologist. I know how reluctant he was to ask me to do this for him because he is very independent and secretive about his health. I was more than happy to do this for him. What I didn’t know was that it would change our relationship forever.

 The ophthalmologist tried relieving the pressure in the eye, but to no avail. It was decided he needed surgery right away.  Again, I was called upon to bring him to the doctor’s for the surgery.  After the surgery we had to stay to make sure the pressure in his eye would go down.  Well, after several hours of waiting it wasn’t going down and we were told they had to administer a certain drug, but if he had kidney problems that drug could be a problem. To my surprise he said he did have kidney problems and that only one was functioning at 30%.  I could not believe he kept that from everyone and I slightly scolded him for keeping that important secret from us. 

 This was the turning point in our relationship, with all the waiting around we had time to talk and he told me about all his medical problems. Once I knew everything I spoke with the ophthalmologist and he was able to get the pressure down in my elderly uncle’s eye.  We spent the next several weeks going back and forth to the doctors.

 Since that day he now trusts me enough that he talks to me about all his ailments and health issues.  He now invites me to go to his doctor’s appointments with him and allows me to speak with his doctors. He just called me from Florida to book his trip home for the summer and asked me to look into finding a doctor for his neck (disk problems and arthritis).  He laughed and said, “that can be my summer project getting the pain out of his neck.” Let’s hope my uncle’s neck problems don’t become a pain in the neck for me!

The take away here is: the outcome of a somewhat scary situation was eye opener. Our relationship became so much closer for the both of us. Going forward my uncle will now be more open with me so that I can ensure he gets the proper care.

 For more info on elderly eye care check out The National Council on Aging “Improving the Lives of Older Americans” .

8 Tips to Effectively communicate with your aging loved ones

Presented by our guest blogger Barbara Marcus of Navigating Resolutions

 It can be difficult to realize that our parents or aging loved ones are not who they used to be. We are forced to change the way that we interact, communicate and respond. While assuming a care taking role we must learn to convey a message that allows the senior to maintain their dignity and continue to do as much for themselves as is safe and possible.

Preservation of your aging parents’ perspective is a critical component of becoming a better communicator. When different from yours the challenge is to clarify what they want or intend and to help and advise without the appearance of taking control. Their self respect and feelings of independence are challenged daily as the capacity to perform activities of daily living diminishes. It is important to listen to what they are saying; reminding them that you are there to support them, not take over.

 Some tips for effective communication with your parents or aging loved ones:

 -Use non verbal communication positively.  The way we talk, listen, look, move and react tells the other person if we are listening, if we understand or if we are angry. Make eye contact; sit upright, use gestures or intonations to indicate understanding or concern. Remember that only a third of what we communicate is with words.

-Stay focused on the present and future. Resist the temptation to bring up things from the past.

-Listen carefully to what the other person is saying instead of thinking about what we are going to say next.

-Respond with empathy. Try to understand and relate to their feelings. Honestly acknowledge emotions, frustrations or challenges.

-Try to see the others point of view and validate their position instead of trying to shift them to yours. Through understanding you are able to gain trust and insight which can lead to shifting perspectives.

-Take a break. If tempers are flaring or frustration is mounting take time to collect your thoughts.

-Find common ground by exploring each person’s interests and needs to create a foundation for creative problem solving. Help your loved one brainstorm solutions so that they feel that they are in control.

-Use I statements to take responsibility for your own feelings and thoughts, avoiding blame.

 Difficult conversations are a necessary part of helping our aging parents. Taking the time to listen, explore options and balance the needs of each person involved leads to outcomes that address everyone’s concerns and abilities.

 Barbara Marcus is a mediator, trainer and conflict coach working with families who are experiencing challenges related to aging and disability issues. She is a founding partner of Navigating Resolutions.  Barbara’s family and elder mediation service help families have difficult conversations and turn their conflict into opportunities for understanding. For more information on her services please visit her website http://navigatingresolutions.com/

Help the Elderly Make the Change

 
It’s that time of year again Daylight Saving Time is March 13th. This means we gain an hour by turning our clocks ahead an hour.  This is also the time when we should check the batteries in various electronics around the house.  This may seem effortless for you but for the elderly it can be very difficult and it’s an important safety issue.

If you have an elderly relative or friend go over to their house and ask if they need help with changing the batteries in the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors.  Most times these detectors are up on the ceiling and the elderly should not be climbing up on anything to make the necessary battery changes that allow them to remain safe. Other items that should be checked for our elderly friends and relatives are electronic thermostats and doorbells. While you’re at it make sure all the clocks are at the right time.

Who Knew - Thoughts of a Baby Boomer Caring for Aging Loved Ones

 I was just thinking how it seems like yesterday I was trying to choose between Huggies and Pampers and Enfamil or Similac. Now since the children are all grown up and in college I thought, “now is my time". I wouldn’t have to worry about being any place at any given time; my time would be my own. I thought I would only have to worry about my husband and myself. I never thought about being the child of an aging parent and what it would mean.

 Well, now I’m there just like many baby boomer women. I am the daughter of an aging mom and elderly uncle. I am now thinking about Depends and Poise and Ensure and Boost. Instead of scheduling pediatrician appointments and gymnastics, I am scheduling geriatrician appointments and getting mom to water aerobics at the Y. Instead of scouring the internet for resources for children I am scouring it to find resources for adults. I have gone from being a caregiver for children to being a caregiver for aging adults. In many ways it’s the same but different.  The biggest difference is that I had more control over my own children and could just tell them what to do, wear, eat and where to go.  With aging loved ones you have to be more creative and diplomatic to get the same results.  Either way it is done with LOVE!

 HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED BUT STAYED THE SAME!

Taking "Care" in having conversations with your elderly parents

After reading  The Parent Care Conversation,  Six strategies for dealing with the Emotional and Financial challenges of Aging Parents by Dan Taylor I wanted to share his approach to having the conversation with your elderly parents. He takes a listening with “CARE” approach in dealing with  elderly parents. 

• Challenges - Re focus your parents thinking of their future in terms of what they want to   happen and anticipate inevitable changes as a series of challenges rather than obstacles.

• Alternatives- What are the options available to meet the challenges your parents face.    Focus on what they can do rather than on all the reasons why they can’t do something. 

•  Resources – Let your folks see that there are resources to address the challenges they face.

• Experience – Based on the challenges they anticipated, the alternatives they know they have, and  the resources that are available, the last step in the CARE process is to visualize the  experience they want to have as a result of meeting each challenge head-on.

Armed with this knowledge, you can plan together as a family to bring the experience to fruition.  Just take it one step at a time.  To learn more visit the website TheParent CareSolution.com

The Journey with Aging Parent Series - PART II Preparing for the Discussion with Your Aging Parents

You might not be caring for an elderly parent now, but the odds are someday you will be.  "If you're 65 today, you have a two-thirds chance that you will need help with at least one daily activity such as bathing or eating by the time you die,'' says Elinor Ginzler, senior vice president of Livable Communities Strategies for AARP (www.aarp.org). "Chances are we will all be part of the care giving process at some point.''  According to the National Alliance for Caregivers, more than 65 million of us are currently taking care of a sick or aging loved one.

 Planning to start having discussions on aging with your parents is a sure sign that the parent/child relationship is changing and the roles are beginning to reverse. This is a difficult transition to accept but is also inevitable. Just like the “Birds and Bees” talk was difficult having, so is the “Aging Parents” talk, but is so important to have.

 It can’t be reiterated enough how important it is to start having these talks before a crisis arises. If you talk with your parents before a crisis occurs, you can prepare yourself, family members, as well as your parents for their future aging needs. Every family is different.  Some parents will welcome the opportunity to discuss their plans for their future and others will feel uncomfortable discussing any or certain topics with their children. An excellent book on the subject is: The Complete Eldercare Planner, by Joy Loverde. There are also several websites out there that can help with planning; National Council on Caregiving , National Council on Aging, and CAPS Children of Aging Parents  just to name a few.

 First and foremost, understand that this is a learning process for all involved. Don’t expect to cover everything in one meeting.  Baby steps – you don’t want to overwhelm your parents.  If you try discussing too much at once they’ll shut you out and then nothing will be accomplished.

 Prepare for the talk, practice what you might say beforehand and try to predict how they may react.  Categorize the issues/subjects that you would like to address with them (i.e., housing, personal living, medical, financial, legal etc…). Write down each topic and what you would like to discuss.  

 Points to consider:

 Break It Down - Breaking it down into different issues will make it easier for everyone to understand and deal with.  Pick one or two topics and set a time up to discuss them.

 Choose the best setting - Choose a time to talk that is good for everyone. Limit any distractions, you want their complete attention. Limit the amount of people present; you don’t want your parents to feel ganged up on.

 Be Realistic – We all think we can do it all, but unfortunately we can’t. We have busy lives between our jobs, families and activities, and can’t be everywhere and do everything. Accept what you can and cannot do and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

 Phrase Questions Carefully – Don’t just come out and ask blunt questions. If you are interested to see if they have made any plans for their future, you might say that you just came from making a retirement plan for yourself and was wondering if they had made any such plans.  If you want to find out if they have a will you might start off by mentioning, you just did yours and ask have they done theirs?  Diplomacy can go a long way.

 Stick to the Topics at Hand – Often times other issues may come up and will side track you.  Stick to what you came to talk about and if something else comes up agree to discuss it at another time.  Make a note of those issues so that you can prepare to talk about them at a later date.

 Be Sensitive and Show Respect – Carefrontation works a lot better than confrontation. Don’t interrogate, listen before responding in a caring loving way. Silence can be quite an effective tool in communicating.

 Consider Outside Help – You may want to discuss how to go about this discussion with a professional such as; therapist, social worker, doctor or your local Council on Aging.

 Understand that this is a journey for both you and your aging parents. It will be an ongoing process with many different discussions as you travel along this road together.  There is not one right way to do this.  Every family and situation is different, but by starting the conversation you will begin the journey.

 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today”  -  Thomas Jefferson

The Journey with Aging Parents Part I – Initiating “The Conversation”

 It can be hard to accept that our parents are getting older. We have tremendous cultural resistance to the recognition of aging, disability and even death.   At some point in our lives, our parents will possibly look to us for guidance and help with their aging issues.  Our parents took care of us and we looked up to them for assistance growing up.  Now as our parent’s age, we must come to the realization that as time goes on our roles will become reversed.     It would be in everyone’s best interest to be prepared and ready for that day.  You may meet the greatest resistance starting “the conversation” with your parents. 

Finding out how mentally, physically, financially or legally prepared your parents are for the future is a tough conversation to begin.   We don’t want to upset the applecart, we worry about possibly “crossing the line” in getting into their personal business.    It’s as if there is a gorilla in the room, you know it’s there but not sure how to bring up the subject.   Sometimes you just don’t know where to start. 

Why is this you might ask?   Conversation defined by Webster is an informal or familiar talk between at least two people.  And yes, you’d like the discussion to be informal, but at times it must be very formal and seriously acted upon.  It cannot and should not be taken lightly.  Most importantly, before you have the conversation you need to look at it from both points of view.

 Your parents don’t want to be a burden on you.   They have been in control their entire lives and now that control may be slipping away.  They may be resistant to the loss of control.  Change in general, can be difficult.  Human nature is sometimes resistant to any form of change, let alone a lifestyle change.   Children of aging parents may find the conversation upsetting and just don’t know where to begin.   In the back of your mind, you know you will eventually need to address it, but you plan to deal with it when the time comes. 

 Often time the family dynamic plays an important role in how and when you address the conversation.  Depending on the size of the family in terms of number of children, marital status, and where your parents live all play a huge part in the overall situation.   Each family’s situation is different, there are no rules in making the conversation happen. 

Whether you’re an only child or have siblings, I suggest first having a family meeting before talking with your parents.  If you’re alone, seek counsel from a close friend, clergy, or a professional.    It lessens the burden and stress of going it alone.   I can say from my own past experience, having family meetings beforehand has brought me and my siblings closer.   Yes, they’ll be a few bumps in the road, but in the end the outcome will be a positive learning experience for all involved.

The types of conversations i.e. financial, legal issues, or medical and safety can happen at different times and in no particular order, each situation is different.  The sooner you start the process, the better prepared you and your family will be.   RegardingYourParents.com can help with this process in providing you with resources, and information relating to eldercare and your community.  Don’t wait until a crisis occurs before researching your options. You cannot make intelligent and informed decisions under stress.  Address the issues early on when you can talk about them in a loving and caring environment.  

 It’s a funny thing how phrases sum up our lives sometimes, here once again a few come to mind.  “History repeats itself”, someone takes care of you at birth and then at old age.   “What goes around comes around”, you were once a child now you must act as the parent/adult.    Remember we are all in the journey together.   Get the conversation started today. 

Stay tuned for part II, Having the Conversation.

A lesson in Guardianship

 I wish to share a personal story involving a dear Uncle and providing for his well being.  Uncle Harry, at 78 was a single man never married no children just many nieces and nephews.  Uncle Harry lived alone in senior housing here on the South Shore.  He began to fail so my siblings and I decided to go forward and attain Guardianship, so that we could take care of him and his property.  I was unaware of the steps involved in attaining Guardianship of someone.  Let me highlight the process for you.

It takes an attorney and a willing individual(s) to establish Guardianship for an individual.  You must prove to the court that the individual in question is unable to care for themselves. The individual needs to be examined by a doctor and those results must be submitted to the court.  In Uncle Harry’s case, his doctor declared him unable to care for himself.   Depending on the size of the person’s estate the court may order that the person in questions property be appraised and that you file an inventory of all properties with the court.  In my uncle’s case his estate was limited; he did not own any real estate, just a car, and a life insurance policy.  Even though he didn’t own much I still had to provide an inventory listing his property and money accounts for the court hearing.   This took time to put together.

Next, a date and time are set for a hearing of Guardianship.  You appear in court with your attorney and present your case.    The judge decides whether or not he/she will appoint a Guardian to care for the person and property in question.  Fortunately the judge granted me guardianship for my uncle on the first hearing.  

 All this takes arranging and is time consuming, not to mention the embarrassment of having to go through someone else’s personal possessions and records.  Many legal fees are incurred, court filing fees within the county that the individual resides, legal notices published and waited to be acted upon, competency exam fees, and possibly Guardian and Accountant fees.   

Once you are appointed as Guardian, a whole new set of issues presents themselves.  As Guardian you must account for all monies spent.  Upon death, the guardian must file a final account of the estate, which surprise; surprise will once again cost filing fees.  This is a job in and of itself, and could require an accountant.   Money is a sensitive issue and must be dealt with complete transparency.

Before you agree to be a Guardian you should think long and hard.  Don’t let your feelings get in the way of making the best decision for yourself and your loved one.  Being a Guardian takes a great deal of time, patience, resources and unfortunately money.   

For further information consult the Massachusetts Probate Court website.

 

Pets and the Elderly

Pet ownership for the elderly has many benefits. Studies have shown that pets improve the health of most seniors. Pet companionship can help lower blood pressure, reduce stress and make our senior citizens feel happier and safer.  A study published in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society revealed that independently living seniors who own pets tend to be more physically fit and have better mental well-being over those who don’t.

Aside from the physical benefits of pet ownership for seniors there are less tangible ones.  Companionship is a huge benefit for a senior who doesn't have any family or friends that live nearby.  Isolation is also a problem for a lot of senior citizens, having a pet will get them out of the house and mingling with other pet owners. Having a pet to care for makes the senior feel needed which gives them a purpose in life.

 If you think you know a senior who would benefit from having a pet, sit down and talk to them about it.  Make sure that they can care for one and that their housing will allow a pet.  The right pet for the right senior can be a very rewarding experience for all.